Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:
"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!” Well, I’m here to help you. You may not like or agree with many of the things you are about to read. You may read this and then feel bad about yourself. If so, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Thousands upon thousands of women are “nice girls” – that get absolutely nowhere with men. I’m not here to tell you how to be Polly Anna. I’m here to help you find your inner bitch. Yes, I said bitch.
Being a bitch in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity and your dignity. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant doormat instead.
Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At it's purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.
They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.
It is what it is, girls. Accept it.
Some may consider what I’m about to say “games” or manipulation of some sort. But what you need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”
Ok, ladies. Grab a cup of coffee, put your thinking cap on, grab some Kleenex – and get ready to purge your soul and say hello to your inner bitch for the first time.
First thing you need to understand, and it’s one that men are born understanding, is . . .
The Law Of Scarcity
Scarcity drives competition. And no one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.
The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?
The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.
Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.
So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.
And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.
The Reality: People place a HIGH value on something they have to work to acquire.
You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to put his best foot forward, it’s what you deserve. So let him do this!
Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans at the last minute to accommodate a man. And NEVER drive to his house or let him into yours when he calls at 2 A.M.
The Message: Your time is valuable. You are a valuable commodity on the market. You are not desperate, you are in demand. When you send that message to a man, he receives it and then something strange happens – he thinks your VALUABLE.
Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – ON YOU. So get with the program.
Uncertainty Creates Attraction
It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.
Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you THINK about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this thinking about your man is actually triggering and creating a deep desire for him. HE KNOWS it’s building attraction for him.
This is what you want your man to do – think about YOU.
So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “one and done” type of situation.
Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.
Why? Because he’s already got you! He now knows he doesn’t have to put one more ounce of effort into you – he’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, hell - even months. And then ring you and BAM, like a circus monkey, you’re jumping through hoops to see him.
Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he generally loses interest in it. Your goal is to never let him think he’s conquered you completely, even if secretly, you know he already has.
Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open – but do ALL of this as it suits YOU, not HIM. He'll pry so he can get a feel for whether or not he has you.
He'll Say Things Like:
“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”
Response: Say something playful and coy like:
“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.” The Message: He hasn’t conquered you yet. He doesn’t have you yet. He sees that you’re uncertain about him. He better step us his game if he wants to win you over. He’s going to have to work at this.
The Most Important Message: YOU have a choice in the matter. YOU make your own decisions about which relationships you get involved in and which ones’ you pass over. You’re not the type to sit back and let a man decide if HE wants YOU. You’re an independent woman that makes these decisions for herself based on the ACTIONS of the man – not just a bunch of bullshit sweet talk.
Men Like Simple Communication
Emotions befuddle men. They just do. It’s a fact and the sooner you learn to accept this, the sooner you’ll be in a healthy relationship. Emotions overwhelm men. Emotions confuse men. Emotions make things seem complicated and heavy. When things are complicated and heavy, it throws a bucket of cold water on his attraction.
The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling.
Men are simple creatures, they're not your therapist nor do they wish to be. Overwhelm them with your emotions and you’ll send them running for the hills.
Action Step: Share your thoughts and fears with your girlfriends, not your man. You keep him in the dark.
This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing and reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and POOF, he’ll be gone. He will question whether or not he can deal with you and your emotions on a regular basis. Will you drain him? Will you be like a wet blanket on his fun, happy-go-lucky lifestyle? Will this be like work or an unpleasant job?
Behave like that and before you know it, he’ll suddenly decide he’s unsure of you and his commitment to the relationship and he’ll disappear. And your reaction to this disappearing act will make or break your future with him – in a heartbeat.
Men like simple, men like fun.
Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:
a couple of grunts
and some laughs
Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.
Men Respond To Actions, Not Emotions
Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you have been communicating your emotions to your man on a regular basis. You keep poking around about where this is going, whether or not he cares for you and where you stand with him.
Here’s a Visual: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.
He’s overwhelmed, he’s now unsure of what to do and now he’s gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.
Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where the bitch really needs to step in and takeover, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!
Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings For Them
This is the oldest trick in the book. You can EXPECT a man to distance himself and pull back about two to three weeks into a budding relationship, or right after having sex for the first time. So know this and be prepared for it ladies.
When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions all day long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like the good ole’ disappearing man act.
Why? Because your reaction to his action of disappearing will tell him all he needs to know. If you freak out and blow up his phone, he’s gotcha.
What To Do When Your Man Disappears
When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.
The Message: You’re giving him space. You’re okay being alone. Your world doesn’t revolve around him. You have other options. You’re emotions are in control. You are NOT freaking out. You have a life.
The Result: Suddenly, HE’S thinking about YOU. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get (and this is the magic that makes YOU unique to HIM. You’re not like all the other girls, you’re different). He’s wondering . . . where is she? Why isn’t she blowing up my phone? Why isn’t she pursuing me? Did someone else come along? Is there a new man on the scene? Maybe I was wrong about her?
I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll label you as needy and desperate, he’ll instantly know he’s got you, he’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will diminish in an instant. You will look pathetic to him.
Maintain your dignity in this situation. One of two things will happen:
He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more pain, more pain is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and here’s something crazy – if he really likes you, he’ll MISS YOU. And missing you is exactly what you want to happen here.
Make yourself available to him and you don’t give him a chance to miss you, think about you, or for him to long for you.
Men equate longing with love, ladies. Longing for you and missing you is good. THIS is EXACTLY what you want.
What To Do When Your Man Reappears
If he’s gone, good riddens. He wasn’t invested anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, this is where the real magic begins to happen, girls. You’re about to flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You’re about to make him go all or nothing on you. YOU are now in CONTROL. And this is going to go YOUR way from this point forward.
Why is that? Because he’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM – and not the other way around. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, remind yourself, this is HIS game. He started it by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, by playing it cool and feigning indifference towards you, by not returning your calls in a timely manner. YOU didn’t want to play this game, but HE insisted on it – so here you are, with your game face on.)
When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:
1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.
If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:
Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance, don't waver or he'll smell weakness. Mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.
The Message: You’re not sitting by the phone with a box of Kleenex waiting for him to call. He wasn’t the most important thing in your world and YOU have a LIFE of your own to attend to. This type of treatment WASN’T ok with you and he will NOT be rewarded for behaving badly by you dropping everything and showering him with all kinds of attention upon his reappearance. If you do that, you give away all your power. The next time he wants reassurance for where he stands with you or he wants your attention or an ego boost, he’ll pull this little prank again and again.
Why? Because he gets lots o’ lovin’ every time he does. NEVER reward someone for behaving badly – EVER.
Action Step: Make your response casual, playful and carefree. (Translation: you could care less.)
If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some lame excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the lame excuse he provided and say:
“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!” The Message: You’re still available but maybe not quite so interested anymore. This was NOT ok with you and he knows EXACTLY why. Men know when they behave badly, you don’t have to tell them, so save it. You were friendly and approachable (don’t be mean, be cheerful), but now, you’re not quite so available and he’s uncertain. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.
If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now,player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool. Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man and they may not have positive male role models in their life to teach them how to be. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.
Just play it cool, give it some time, he’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back.
Indifference = Less Predictable. Less Predictable = Renewed Interest.
In this scenario, your response was unpredictable. Gotcha!
Predictability Is Akin To Mothering
Men don’t fall in love with their mothers, ladies. Ever notice . . . that the men you ignore and frankly, treat like crap, are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you’re indifferent towards them. They haven’t won you over, they’re thinking about you constantly because you’re scarce to them and they are falling for you.
I’ll keep this section simple. If a man can always predict your next move or how you’re going to respond to something, you will kill his attraction for you.
Safe is Boring. Boring is Mothering. Mothering = No Spark
Unpredictable is Exciting. Exciting is Interesting. Interesting = Spark
Men Like The Thrill Of The Chase
For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.
Men like to hunt. Let them hunt you. Doing so creates a respect for you, a desire for you. He’ll place a high value on something that didn’t come easy and when he finally gets that which he desires, he’ll cherish it forever.
Visual: Take a man that likes to hunt. If you dropped a dead dear on his doorstep, he’d be like “Whah?” No thrill, no fun, no chase, no earning – no value. If he shoots a deer, it doesn’t fall down, he tracks it 5 miles, finds it and lands the final blow – he’ll tell his buddies that story for years and you can bet that deer head will be hanging proudly on his living room wall.
Ladies, you’re the deer. He’s the hunter. Now run!
Dating, Mating And Male Insights
Men must feel that you CHOOSE to be with them. Not that you NEED them.
Men pay attention as to whether or not you’ll be too emotionally dependent on them.
Give him plenty of space and he’ll drop his guard. And that’s when you work your mojo.
Men will disrespect a woman who is too controllable. It invites bad behavior.
When women nag, men see weakness.
A little distance along with some self-control makes him think he might be losing you.
If you become predictable, he’ll love you like he loves his mother, not his lover.
Never sleep with a guy in the first month or two. He’ll think you do that with everyone and he’ll disrespect you. You will have removed all of the fun for him – the thrill of the chase. You are now the dead deer on his doorstep being served up on a platter. His response will be, “Meh.”
Men think bitches are exciting and make for better bed partners.
Your sexuality is your POWER. The sooner you give it away to him, the sooner he'll leave.
Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.
Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is. A break up before sex involves less tears than a break up after sex.
Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.
It’s Not About Game Playing, It’s About Survival
I’ll say it one last time, ladies. This isn’t game playing, it’s survival in the dating jungle. It’s holding your own in a relationship and not letting yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. If you look out for numero uno with control and self-respect, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.
Additional Food For Thought
Have more questions? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."
Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."
Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"
Still don't believe this is a game being run on you daily by men? Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to. "Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like" "How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!" "Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her" "Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."
And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.